Disoriented

After putting in lots of work hours this week (including a twelve hour day on Friday with the intention of being “present” with my family this weekend - physically as well as mentally) I was looking forward to spending a whole day at home with my children.  Unfortunately, the day was not going well.  A somewhat relaxed morning suddenly turned stormy when my eldest daughter morphed before my eyes into someone she is typically not (though this alter ego has made a few unpleasant appearances this summer).  Leaving a bawling sibling and a fleeing cat in her wake, she stomped through the house “accidentally” knocking things over and saying unpleasant things “to herself.”   Coming from her petite, fair haired frame with her bright, shining eyes it is almost comical. 

Almost.  But really it is sad to see her feeling so off.  I can tell she doesn’t like the things she is saying and doing, but the momentum takes over and she is forced to roll with it.  Quite frankly, when this happens I don’t know what to do to help her - to help us, for heaven’s sake. I was once again baffled as to why she was acting this way (and on my day off - the nerve!).  Then it came to me - the words of renowned teacher and parenting expert, Kim John Payne, which were shared with me just the other night by my dear friend, Barbara Nardone:

“There is no such thing as a disobedient child; only a disoriented one.” 

Eureka.  I stayed home with my daughter every day for her first three years of life.  From the age of three she began attending preschool three days per week, but if you think about it, that involved her leaving me, and not the reverse.  She always knew I was at home if she needed me.  Suddenly, I am gone five days a week and she is sharing her weekdays with a combination of friends, babysitters and family. Some weekdays my husband has been able to arrange his schedule so that he is home part of the day, but even that is different.  It used to be that “stay at home daddy days” were days for the whole family to be together, now it usually means I’m not home.  Her whole world has been turned upside down.  I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to be “disoriented”.  

I can’t beat myself up about going back to work.  I am so excited about starting this new chapter in my life, and I am proud to be showing my girls a whole other side of me they have never seen - a confident, competent career woman.  I want them to believe they can do whatever they set their hearts and minds to doing - including being a mom who also has a career, if that is what they choose.  

But there are things I can do to help her to feel less disoriented.  I can be aware of how this change is effecting my children.  Awareness is half the battle in most relationships, isn’t it?  I can do my best to establish a predictable routine for my family.  Children thrive on routines.  Routines make them feel secure and confident.  I can give her a pass when she needs to let off some steam (within reason of course).  We all want to kick a wall sometimes, don’t we?  I can really be present  when I am present.  Yes, as a business owner I always need to be reachable in case of flood or fire, but I do not need to answer every text, email and phone call I receive on family time.  She needs to know that the iPhone does not trump her in importance.  Of course I  know that, but is it fair to assume she does?  Of course not.  

P.S. The photo is one of MANY silly self portraits she has snapped of herself with my phone (in happier moments). I feel I should explain that I would not belittle her emotions by snapping pictures of her when she is actually upset.  

New beginnings...

Becoming a parent changes you. There are the subtle changes - the change in sleep patterns, the change in amount of "me" time, the change in what defines a typical Saturday night.  But the real change is much deeper.  It is powerful.

You are Reinvented.

You are Redefined.

You are MOM.

You are DAD.

The way you experience life is completely different.

You are forever changed.

I had my first child almost six years ago.  I now have two beautiful, miraculous daughters, and here I sit - CHANGED.

I am Reinvented.

I am Redefined.

I am forever changed.

Before I became a mother, I was the Director of a very successful and well-respected childcare center and preschool called Little Friends. I was compassionate, and I had warm relationships with the parents. I really thought I could relate to how they felt when they left their children with us for the day.  I thought I understood, but there's no way I possibly could.  One can have all of the empathy in the world, but it is simply NOT the same as SYMPATHY.  It is not the same as being able to relate, personally relate, to that raw, visceral experience of leaving your child in the care of a virtual stranger for the very first time.  It is not the same as knowing, in your heart, how it feels to be separated from your child - to trust SOMEONE ELSE to care for her needs, give her hugs, kiss her boo boos, help her settle down for a nap.

Now I know.

I KNOW.

I AM CHANGED.

I AM MOM.

I loved Little Friends.  All told I spent ten of my first thirty three years there.  My time there deeply influenced the way my husband and I have chosen to raise our children.  The wonderful philosophy of the school changed the way I look at many things: health and nutrition, media exposure, the types of toys we choose for our children, the importance of time outdoors, the desire to hold back the fast paced nature of the world we live in for just a while longer.  There is NO DOUBT in my mind that I am a better parent today because of the time I spent at Little Friends.

The universe works in mysterious ways.  It had become clear that there was a need for me to rejoin the world of the working - outside of the home.  I was thinking part time. I was unsure what I wanted to do.  I reached out, made that first step...put it out there...and then it happened.  Suddenly I found myself faced with an amazing opportunity.  A school - the school - was waiting for me:

Reinvented,

Redefined,

Forever changed,

(MOM) me.

The interesting thing about life, is that it leads you where you need to go.  This may be different from where you thought you needed to go, and sometimes it seems to make no sense.  But every once in a while, you have a moment.  It is a moment of recognition.  Life begins to lead you down a path that is new, yet feels familiar, comfortable even...and you suddenly grin at the realization that everything that has come before has been leading you here - to THIS.  For me, this is that path.  This is that moment.  It all makes sense.  My experience at Little Friends prepared me to be a better mother, and in turn my experience as a mother has prepared me for a different sort of birth.  Introducing...