Disoriented

After putting in lots of work hours this week (including a twelve hour day on Friday with the intention of being “present” with my family this weekend - physically as well as mentally) I was looking forward to spending a whole day at home with my children.  Unfortunately, the day was not going well.  A somewhat relaxed morning suddenly turned stormy when my eldest daughter morphed before my eyes into someone she is typically not (though this alter ego has made a few unpleasant appearances this summer).  Leaving a bawling sibling and a fleeing cat in her wake, she stomped through the house “accidentally” knocking things over and saying unpleasant things “to herself.”   Coming from her petite, fair haired frame with her bright, shining eyes it is almost comical. 

Almost.  But really it is sad to see her feeling so off.  I can tell she doesn’t like the things she is saying and doing, but the momentum takes over and she is forced to roll with it.  Quite frankly, when this happens I don’t know what to do to help her - to help us, for heaven’s sake. I was once again baffled as to why she was acting this way (and on my day off - the nerve!).  Then it came to me - the words of renowned teacher and parenting expert, Kim John Payne, which were shared with me just the other night by my dear friend, Barbara Nardone:

“There is no such thing as a disobedient child; only a disoriented one.” 

Eureka.  I stayed home with my daughter every day for her first three years of life.  From the age of three she began attending preschool three days per week, but if you think about it, that involved her leaving me, and not the reverse.  She always knew I was at home if she needed me.  Suddenly, I am gone five days a week and she is sharing her weekdays with a combination of friends, babysitters and family. Some weekdays my husband has been able to arrange his schedule so that he is home part of the day, but even that is different.  It used to be that “stay at home daddy days” were days for the whole family to be together, now it usually means I’m not home.  Her whole world has been turned upside down.  I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to be “disoriented”.  

I can’t beat myself up about going back to work.  I am so excited about starting this new chapter in my life, and I am proud to be showing my girls a whole other side of me they have never seen - a confident, competent career woman.  I want them to believe they can do whatever they set their hearts and minds to doing - including being a mom who also has a career, if that is what they choose.  

But there are things I can do to help her to feel less disoriented.  I can be aware of how this change is effecting my children.  Awareness is half the battle in most relationships, isn’t it?  I can do my best to establish a predictable routine for my family.  Children thrive on routines.  Routines make them feel secure and confident.  I can give her a pass when she needs to let off some steam (within reason of course).  We all want to kick a wall sometimes, don’t we?  I can really be present  when I am present.  Yes, as a business owner I always need to be reachable in case of flood or fire, but I do not need to answer every text, email and phone call I receive on family time.  She needs to know that the iPhone does not trump her in importance.  Of course I  know that, but is it fair to assume she does?  Of course not.  

P.S. The photo is one of MANY silly self portraits she has snapped of herself with my phone (in happier moments). I feel I should explain that I would not belittle her emotions by snapping pictures of her when she is actually upset.  

Rock On, Sisters.

Recently I began a small business, but for the past six years I have stayed at home with my two children full time.  When I have attempted, in my writing, to define what I was doing versus what I am now doing, it has been challenging (but I did learn a new vocabulary word...see related post here).  

“Full time mom” just doesn’t make sense - when you go back to work, aren’t you still a full time mom?  On the other side of the coin, using the term “working mom” is equally ridiculous.  Duh.  Aren’t we all working?

As a "stay at home mom" I was never one to bristle when someone referred to another woman as a “working mom”.  Personally, I found it more annoying when people would ask, “Are you working outside of the home?” The person saying this would always seem so proud that they had remembered not to impugn the decision of some mothers to stay at home.  Instead it always made me feel like some sort of a mental patient or zoo animal...as in, “Do they let you out?” Although I will admit the occasional baby vomit, tumble-out-of-bed wardrobe and dark circles under the eyes in those post-baby days probably didn’t help.  I may very well have looked like a mental patient and smelled like a zoo animal.   

I have known many “stay at home moms” who would sheepishly admit they wish they  were working outside of the home (why should this evoke feelings of guilt?), and many “working moms” who wished they were at home full time.  

Being at home full time with one’s children is far from easy, even if you truly love it.  Yet I will never regret my decision to be at home these past few years.  It felt right for my family at the time, and that is the best anyone can hope for - doing something that feels right.  Going back to work now feels equally right.  I feel inspired and challenged in completely new ways. Although, now that my husband and I are both working outside of the home, I often find myself wondering when the maid, the personal shopper, the chauffeur, the social planner, the accountant, the nanny and the cook are going to show up.  Ironically, sometimes I just want my mom to swoop in and fix everything (does that feeling ever go away?). 

My point is this - as moms we are all just trying to do the best we can for ourselves and for our families.  Being a mom will always be our most challenging and our most rewarding job.  Working mom, stay at home mom, career mom, mom who works within the home...whatever. We are all part of a profound, lifelong sisterhood.  At the core we are bound by the miraculous gift of loving someone more than we ever imagined possible.  Personally, I don’t think the word “mom” needs any qualifiers.  We are all rock stars.

This post is dedicated to BettyLou, who will always be the ultimate rock star to me.