Disoriented
Bethany StewartAfter putting in lots of work hours this week (including a twelve hour day on Friday with the intention of being “present” with my family this weekend - physically as well as mentally) I was looking forward to spending a whole day at home with my children. Unfortunately, the day was not going well. A somewhat relaxed morning suddenly turned stormy when my eldest daughter morphed before my eyes into someone she is typically not (though this alter ego has made a few unpleasant appearances this summer). Leaving a bawling sibling and a fleeing cat in her wake, she stomped through the house “accidentally” knocking things over and saying unpleasant things “to herself.” Coming from her petite, fair haired frame with her bright, shining eyes it is almost comical.
Almost. But really it is sad to see her feeling so off. I can tell she doesn’t like the things she is saying and doing, but the momentum takes over and she is forced to roll with it. Quite frankly, when this happens I don’t know what to do to help her - to help us, for heaven’s sake. I was once again baffled as to why she was acting this way (and on my day off - the nerve!). Then it came to me - the words of renowned teacher and parenting expert, Kim John Payne, which were shared with me just the other night by my dear friend, Barbara Nardone:
“There is no such thing as a disobedient child; only a disoriented one.”
Eureka. I stayed home with my daughter every day for her first three years of life. From the age of three she began attending preschool three days per week, but if you think about it, that involved her leaving me, and not the reverse. She always knew I was at home if she needed me. Suddenly, I am gone five days a week and she is sharing her weekdays with a combination of friends, babysitters and family. Some weekdays my husband has been able to arrange his schedule so that he is home part of the day, but even that is different. It used to be that “stay at home daddy days” were days for the whole family to be together, now it usually means I’m not home. Her whole world has been turned upside down. I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to be “disoriented”.
I can’t beat myself up about going back to work. I am so excited about starting this new chapter in my life, and I am proud to be showing my girls a whole other side of me they have never seen - a confident, competent career woman. I want them to believe they can do whatever they set their hearts and minds to doing - including being a mom who also has a career, if that is what they choose.
But there are things I can do to help her to feel less disoriented. I can be aware of how this change is effecting my children. Awareness is half the battle in most relationships, isn’t it? I can do my best to establish a predictable routine for my family. Children thrive on routines. Routines make them feel secure and confident. I can give her a pass when she needs to let off some steam (within reason of course). We all want to kick a wall sometimes, don’t we? I can really be present when I am present. Yes, as a business owner I always need to be reachable in case of flood or fire, but I do not need to answer every text, email and phone call I receive on family time. She needs to know that the iPhone does not trump her in importance. Of course I know that, but is it fair to assume she does? Of course not.
Reader Comments (1)
This is beautiful and well said. I get frustrated with society and myself sometimes because it seems like children are often expected to be better behaved than adults in some ways. If an adult had had the kind of major change that was going through your daughter's life, people would expect her to be upset and need some time to adjust. But kids are just expected to roll with the punches and act as if everything is the same.